Decade Manifestation

Turning thirty deserves a blog. Not that I've put any thoughts together before now but it just feels like it won't have happened if I don't acknowledge it.

It has been surprisingly…hard. I never thought I'd be the girl that clings to 29 but it has only been twenty-four hours and I miss it. It was safe back there in the twenties. Life was still mine to play with and unfinished goals were not such a big deal. There was always time to get around to dropping the extra pounds and being the skinny mom you couldn't believe had given birth to two kids. Old people still look like old people and you forget you don't look like the young ones. Youth is flexible and forgiving. Grandpa says, "Nothing feels as good as young."

20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29. The twenties prance off your tongue.

Then the weight of 30 is thrown at you. It is this decade in the middle of the dreaded 40's and the nostalgic 20's. Not much attention goes to the thirty something group. This is the span notorious for figuring out you aren't actually who you think you are. Or if you have no idea who you are, you start to get a clue. I liked 20-29 year old Trish. I've been told by many I've joined a club and that this is the decade to enjoy. Meet me back here in 10 years and I'll tell you if they were yanking my chain.

And That's What We Get

A friend calls you that you haven't talked to in a long time, do you:

A) Let it go to voicemail and contemplate ignoring it completely,

B) Wonder why you haven't heard from them, hold that against them, question the friendship, but decide it is worth an effort,

C) Get excited that they called and see when the next best time is for you to meet up?

As far as having issues go and being scarred from events, I can really only think of one (or two) things in my life that qualifies. I suppose that makes me rather blessed. It is true, seventeen fulfilling years of life went down for me before I faced my first real tribulation. Long story short, my social world changed dramatically and after two years of denial and ultimately hopelessness, I finally let go of the life I once knew and forged ahead. It is only now that I see just how much damage was done. A wall went up. Nobody and no relationship has been able to hurt me since. A nerve that went numb 12 years ago remains absent of feeling. Always prepared, always ready to walk away. No one gets in.

Not healthy. Obviously.

However, always having been a fan of clever words, this poem has long been a favorite of mine. It crossed my mind today as I thought of those I've placed behind the wall. How sad for me.

Face an uncomfortable situation or continue forward? How good can forward be if you're there by yourself?

btw, my answer is C, always C.

ICU

What a handsome devil you are with the pretty girl at your side. The first person I think of when I need to know something the world hasn't taught me yet. Still the one I long to make proud and and feel I should check in with if I'm going to make big plans or be home late. You prepared me very well for this world.

It saddens me that I didn't have much time with the healthy soul I see in the man above. It is not that I don't understand how hard it is too stay healthy. I am pretty sure my whole body makeup came from you so I feel like I really understand the struggles of our particular flesh (minus the major health issues.) What I don't understand is whether or not you realize how fragile your life is. My big strong leader is sick and you've been sick for so long. Now you are 1500 miles away and my worst fear of losing you while I am out here seems more real then ever. It is not natural for me to have to think about losing you when your own dad is still on the lose.

I am so frustrated. I hate that you have to deal with so many health issues but you are going to get out of there. Will you do what it takes to turn things around? I don't want to live in fear of losing you too soon anymore. Do you view this as the end or do you plan on living out the last third of your life? Things have to change if you want to be here with us. Our family needs your example and guidance. There is nothing I won't do to help you get better. Are you willing to fight as hard as I am because I refuse to live with the fact that you died long before you should have.